Happiness is such a drag

I'm sure right now you are thinking "What do you mean happiness is a drag, have you lost your happiness hating mind."

Yes, I'm 99.7% sure I have lost my mind but let me explain. Happiness as we all know is like the holy grail, we all in some way or another are in search for "Happiness" like its some sort of destination and once we've made it there we have been truly successful.

Intellectually most of us realize that isn't the case at all and that happiness is moments, experiences and connections; they are what make life worth living.
Beyond that even, happiness is neurotransmitters and chemicals Endorphins,Dopamine, Serotonin and Oxytocin. You and your sunny disposition is a chemical cocktail my friend.
This is were I find myself in a trouble area. Like everyone else I just want to be happy, though its never seemed to come as easily to me as it did my peers and always left me fairly quickly leaving anxiety and the dreaded "Feelings" in its wake. I think I inherited the over thinking gene from my dad who was a paranoid schizophrenic who spent most of his free time over thinking just about everything.

But "Happiness" its self is something that can be inherited in the genes, how many neurotransmitters you have and how active they are is coded in you before you are even born.
But in march the era of social media and the "Positivity Push" and you are now under pressure 24/7 to be happy or pretend to be no matter whats going on.
People post their "happy" moments on every corner of the Internet and inspirational photos with platitude quotes like " Even a monkey can smile at the sun, be like the monkey"
and 23,745 likes later you cant help but feel like "Am I missing something here?" or at least I feel like I am and the other 23,745 are apparently in on this whole be like a happy smiling monkey train and I'm the one wondering "What's wrong with me and why do I have ZERO interest in the monkey train?"

Look Ive been a chronic illness patient for roughly 11 years (much longer really, But that's a WHOLE other post) and during the last 11 years Ive seen my fair share of ups and downs
Ive heard my fair share of platitudes and down right ablest tripe about positivity being the cure for all ills. But in the last 4 years my relationship with "happiness" has gotten even more complicated, my relationship with all strong emotions really. Strong emotions were until 4 years ago the only kind I really had, all my feelings were downright consuming. I didn't get mad, I got furious and I didn't feel hurt I felt completely wounded, My happiness was so exuberant that it'd often turn me into an obnoxious clown version of myself that once the joy was gone Id reflect on and loathe myself for not being able to keep my cool better and for acting so foolish.

But as my illness progressed I had less energy to handle such strong emotions and each one would come with a flair of sickness for days that I didn't understand.
I started to become very sick every time I felt elated, or sad or excited. It didn't matter the emotion, if it was strong Id be bed bound or even hospitalized over it.
So happiness is quite literally a drag at least in strong doses. Over the last 4 years Ive slowly been learning how to control my thoughts and emotions so that I wont feel things strongly as I once did, I think less and care less about the smaller insignificant trifles of daily life. Its done me a world
of good, no I don't love that Ive had to numb myself to many things and I honestly still struggle with things like birthdays and holidays because those things are supposed to be exciting. Its not always easy and sometimes I fail, But Ive reserved myself to understanding what works best for my body and the "monkey train" just ain't it.

But the pressure is still there "Be your best self" and "stay positive and happy" well I'm positive that I am growing everyday, doing the best I can for myself and that reality isn't the opposite of positivity even though if your reality isn't sunshine and roses its most often viewed as negativity. I'm on board with the "Its ok to not be ok" movement because that's reality. There's plenty of science out there that has proven faux positivity does more harm then good, so allow yourself to feel..Just not to deeply or you may end up bed bound.. oh wait that's just me... ok feel away.

My platitude of the day is "live your truth" no matter what that may be. Don't let the pressure of being happy drag you down.
So what if I'm not like the monkey and don't smile at the sun, I smile at the rain and THAT makes me very happy.

til next time
Hows your spoons?


EdWoodV2 said…
Wonderful post, my love. I thought it was very well thought out, and it was really good. Keep up the good work.

also, I love the monkey train, that monkey looks really, really happy to be there.

beachdriven said…
EXCELLENT post! Your writing flows so easily and just makes the reading so enjoyable. Normally I struggle reading these days because my mind is racing about 10 billion other things but not with your writing. I stay focused because it really does speak to you and nothing else is as interesting as what I am reading.

I cannot wait for more and more and more. Truly you are without a doubt MY FAVORITE WRITER.

p.s .... Will is right, that monkey does look so awfully happy. LOL

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